PLANTING THE SEEDS

As little children we gain our sense of worth from our parents.. teachers and others in authority. We look up to them and therefore believe everything they say or don’t say.. to be true. It becomes who we are in this world…  At least it did for me anyway!

Here is a little piece of my life as a child and how I perceived my life….maybe you can relate to it.. maybe not… time will tell

“I hate you! I hate both of you!” I’m only eight years old, and though I can’t imagine these awful words are coming out of my mouth, they are. “I’m going to run away when I get older and never come back! I’m gonna get the heck out of here and go as far away as I possibly can, and you’ll never find me! And maybe–just maybe you’ll miss me then!” But I doubt it. Who am I kidding?

     “Don’t expect a phone call cuz I won’t be calling!” I’d think. “Don’t bother lookin’ for me either! I don’t want to be found– you guys gave up on me a long time ago, so don’t even pretend to care! I’ll be out of your lives forever! I guess that’s what you both want, so good riddance!” In a nutshell, that’s often how I felt about my parents and my home life. I’m ashamed to even be sharing this with you.

My thirst for my parents’ attention was insatiable. I longed for affection and to hear the words “I love you, sweet child.” But I never heard them–not even once– from my father’s lips. No hugs, no bouncing on daddy’s lap. No piggy back rides to bed. No goodnight kisses–ever. I hoped eternally for a happy ending to my story, like in the fairytale stories I read, but alas, I was not a princess and my story was anything but happy ever after.

Mom did her best to nurture me and my siblings but she lived a fearful existence as well. She fell into a sea of depression which plagued her most of her life.. nearly swallowed her up on more than one occasion. It was all she could do to save herself, never mind her four kids. I continually questioned my parent’s motive for bringing me into this seemingly cruel world. Why couldn’t they love wholly this incredible human being standing before them, just starving for affection? I was wise enough at a tender, young age to understand what was missing in my life, but unable to determine how to get it. So the question became: Do I keep trying, or just give up?

So.. how did I survive in my crazy world.. cuz I know you’re smart and you figured out what I thought about ME!!! You got it.. felt not worthy.. not lovable..not much of anything.. and it shaped me… big time… and the even bigger question might be.. what did I do with all those feelings about me being a nothing!!! I will fill you in on that real soon…..

In the meantime.. did you experience anything similar growing up? How did you deal with your feelings and emotions? Or maybe you didn’t. Did it shape who you are today? What did you say to yourself..how did you rationalize it in that “child” brain of yours? Does it still have a GRIP on you today? If not.. what have you found most helpful to deal with your past  and be free!

Look forward to hearing from YOU…………….

 

 

 

 

 

 

© Patricia Bateson 2017
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