February, 2014

FALLING APART

Posted in Uncategorized on February 26th, 2014 with No Comments

Happy almost spring… I know I’m ready for blossoms, warm sun, green grass tickling my bare feet, and a delightful cup of pink lemonade to quench my thirst!!! Now.. doesn’t that sound delicious!!

Another excerpt. ..from my upcoming book. I can already feel thoughts and emotions rambling and running high.. as many of you have been touched by cancer through a family member or yourself. Who hasn’t???

Share.. share.. share your story with me and all the readers. One sentence may change the life for a fellow journey woman..as… sometimes.. that’s all it takes. Sharing heals.. sharing loves.. when you give.. you receive so much more!!!

Here goes nothin.. I remember this day eleven years ago.. like it was yesterday!!

I awaken from my breast biopsy groggy and sore, my left breast bandaged and the small pea-sized lump now gone.

“The preliminary pathology report will probably be ready tomorrow,” my surgeon says. Frankly, I’m quite optimistic, since the growth is so small, but I don’t hear from him the following day and my hope begins to fade.

Two days after my biopsy and several phone calls later, I receive my results: “YOU HAVE BREAST CANCER ,” I hear my doctor say.

Did he just say what I think he did? Am I crazy? He must have made a mistake. I can’t have cancer! Not me! I’m an oncology nurse–for God’s sake.. I take care of people who have cancer. Something’s very wrong, this can’t be happening!! Wake me from this nightmare someone–please!

Cancer, cancer, cancer..the words penetrate my psyche. Drastic words no human wants to ever.. ever hear! I begin to entertain all kinds of hair-raising thoughts.

“Pat, are you still there?” I hear my surgeon ask. “Do you have any questions?”

I want to answer him, but I can’t. Nothing comes out. Not a sound. I feel numb. I want to flee, escape this nightmare, but my body won’t move. My body feels paralyzed from head to toe.

I haven’t a clue what he just said to me! It’s a big blur, and all I can remember is the fuckin’ word cancer…how I abhor that god damned word!

 I don’t recollect saying goodbye or hanging up the phone. I just sit there…in the silence..already feeling oddly different.. not knowing what to do.. where to go..or what to say..  Knowing that my two daughters are right outside my bedroom door, waiting for me to appear! waiting for my results!!!

I remain idle…..can barely breathe…nothing feels right.. everything feels drastically wrong.!!

Minutes pass before I look down at the telephone lying on my desk. I pick it up gingerly and whisper what I didn’t have the guts to ask just moments before: “Doc, am I gonna die?”

Phew………so many more condiments.. so much more to come… how did I tell my family???? what were their reactions? How did I handle the news in the days, weeks and months to come?

Look forward to hearing from you… in love and light

© Patricia Bateson 2017
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