Happy spring everyone…I am filled with gratitude for that warm.. yellow ball of energy in the sky.. illuminating every cell in my body with it’s wisdom and love….For the later.. lighter evenings that have come to pass.. and for a feeling of deep renewal for sweet mother earth.. mankind.. for the world!!!!
A new chapter of my upcoming book to share with you..it’s all about waking up and remembering… allow me now to slip back in time with you… to an extraordinarily unordinary day in the life of Patricia Bateson. It was indeed a moment in time.. like no other!
I’ve been asleep for a very long time. Needed a sledge hammer cracked over my skull to get my attention and awaken me from my slumber. God was whispering in my deaf ear for years, but I neglected her advice. So one day God roars, and I bounce out of bed, land flat on my ass, gaze up at her, and say: “Ok, I’m listening now!”
Suddenly I become angry. In fact, my diagnosis–this cancer–fills me with rage! For a brief moment it paralyzes me, too–that’s the worst. I find myself attempting to take control even though my mind is reeling with anxiety.
Hours after receiving my diagnosis I schedule a meeting with one of the oncologists with whom I work, and believe me I’m so grateful to be seen pronto!! It’s the oddest sensation to walk through the sturdy oak doors of the clinic knowing that I’m the patient this time and not the nurse. I hate this–it feels so queer. It’s scary and I don’t like it!!!
“How are you doing Pat?” Dr. S asks. I’m fine.. I mutter. I’m such a friggin liar.. I really want to tell him I’m panic stricken, heavy-hearted, desolate, angry, and close to jumping off the nearest bridge–in layman’s terms, I’m going cuckoo!!
I have tons of questions and he allows me all the time I need. There’s no hurry, no rush and I unwind a wee bit. The medical questions come easy.. what doesn’t come so easy though.. are the BIG.. life questions.. the ones that really weigh heavy on my heart…
Like..”hey doc.. oh…do you think I will be around to witness my three cherubs get married? What are the odds that I will be healthy and well to hold that first precious grandchild in my arms? Am I gonna grow old with my husband—my true love.. or am I going to suffer in misery and torment and live only a few months?” These and more are my burning questions.
But alas, I am unable to muster the courage to speak my truth. I see how this cancer diagnose affects my husband and three children. I see the frightened looks in their eyes. I sense their suffering and its killing me.. it’s all my fault.. yet again.
So, we leave the appointment that day with a gigantic elephant still sitting in the room. And that elephant’s name is called.. FEAR!!!