Hi everyone: Happy summer (I think!!!)
Enjoy this next excerpt from my upcoming book. Continue to share your thoughts and feelings that my words may evoke in you!!! I love hearing from you all!!!
Ever felt like you just weren’t getting something… I dunno.. like the lesson.. the meaning.. the clear perspective.. so life throws you another curve ball!!!! Maybe…. you call it the “crash course” of life.. or “wake up call”, a “whack over the head”, or the lovely way of putting it…would be “a AHA moment!” Call it what you will..it can derail you… from everything you know and believe to be true, catapulting you into the chaos once again… How will you emerge????? The choice is yours!
The pathology report comes back clean, which is fantastic news– no chemo or mastectomy necessary for Pat! This turns out to be my lucky day! Radiation will be my next step.
I find Dr. A., my radiation specialist, through word of mouth. He comes highly recommended and his office is local. This saves me from having to run into the city every day for fine minutes of high dose radiation to eradicate this nasty cancer from my body– a huge plus!
We start off on the right foot, but our relationship hits a major bump along the way when my “girls” decide to pop out a few more lumps while I’m undergoing radiation. Just for kicks and giggles, I guess. The lumps appear on my cancerous left breast and feel just like my original tumor. Flipped out and frantic to speak to Dr. A., I have to meet with his partner instead, since he’s off duty. His partner doesn’t know my case well enough and recommends I wait two more painstakingly long days for Dr. A. to return.
Waiting for results when you have cancer is like a death sentence. Over-the-top exhausted and overwhelmed with concern, I don’t feel like eating or drinking, my brain is on overdrive from reading all the info on the computer about cancer.. I am fried…. overcooked.. I am spent!!
Two arduous days later at radiation, I’m kicked in the gut not once but twice. First of all, I share with the radiation technologist that I have discovered two new lumps in my left breast. It takes a ton of guts for me to tell her this, cuz I feel really fragile right now. But I do.. I open up to her woman to woman– and she lets me down big time.. Wanna hear her response.
“What’s the big deal? You’re getting radiation to that breast anyway,” is her fuckin reply! I can’t believe she has the balls to say that to me, and by now my eyes must look like they’re about to pop out of their sockets. I roll off the table with my head between my legs and wander aimlessly to Dr. A’s office. I attempt to get myself partly back together before our visit. Optimistic that he will have a solution to my overactive breast, I’m once again gravely disillusioned.
“Pat, it says here in you chart that you called repeatedly with your concerns about the lumps and were seen by my partner two days ago. He states that you were quite anxious—over the top.“
I expect him to empathize with me, but instead he chastises me. Treats me like a child.. like I’m bad!!!! “I think you’re overreacting,” is what comes out of his mouth next. You need to calm down with all of this.”
I almost fall off my chair! This is total insanity! Somebody get me out of this nut ward! Toxic shame swells out of my pores. There’s got to be something gravely wrong with me–I must be defective! Doesn’t anybody get me? Doesn’t anyone in this joint have a caring spirit?
But as always.. I say nothing. I am nonreactive. How stupid, how silly, how utterly fake I am!!!!Why didn’t I speak up to him and tell him to pound sand, take a hike and never come back. Why do I simply sit here and not defend myself.. speak up for ME!!!
Don’t remember getting in my car to drive home after that incident. But I do remember one thing–crawling into my bed and calling Dr. A. every God-awful name in the book that hideous afternoon.