July, 2014

Demons, Devils, & Emotional Turmoil

Posted in Uncategorized on July 28th, 2014 with No Comments

A great big HUG to all of YOU who have been supporting ME on this journey of mine. I have received so much love and positive feedback regarding my book that it is NOW time for a physical book to manifest!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!! I am open to receiving your amazing.. positive vibes to assist me in the next step of this process. I can FEEL …SEE…TASTE this book…I envision it on the shelves of bookstores everywhere.. on the internet…around the world…And if it helps just one person.. then it will have been a success. I truly am so blessed… and I love you all !!!

Here goes with the next chapter.. Ohhhhhhhhhhh…the inner turmoil and what chaos it created!! I shudder just remembering the good old days!!!!!

DEMONS… DEVILS & EMOTIONAL TURMOIL

Soon I begin to ask all of the why questions: Why me? Why now? I consider myself–at the tender age of forty-five–quite healthy, and don’t think I fit the criteria of most women my age diagnosed with breast cancer. I’m really quite perplexed...fear lurks in every corner and I can’t escape the hold its tenacious claws have on me. Fear accompanies me when I wake up in the morning, follows me throughout the day, and escorts me into the bedroom at night. Demons dance in my head in the silence of darkness, sending evil messages from the neurons of my brain to every cell in my body. They control me totally, as if I’m possessed or brainwashed! I believe everything they say—completely! It is pure evil.

A vicious cycle with no end in sight, my clothes become baggy–I have no spare junk in my trunk. No longer able to hide my intense emotional, mental, and physical pain, I can’t deceive anyone anymore, especially myself. My body screams “help!” and I have no choice but to begin to listen. If not, my biggest fear seems inevitable: I might die!

Every day feels the same. Life is monotonous and humdrum, yet there’s an element of trepidation with each passing hour. Impatient, I want this ordeal behind me—let’s fix it, and move on! Somehow, though, deep down inside I know that ain’t happening. The bottom line: I can’t stay on top of it all and fall instead into a quagmire of deep despair. Maybe I don’t deserve to live anymore! Ultimately, when I dig deep into the heart of the matter, it really rocks my world. Am I going to survive this demon called cancer and, if so, for how long?

My life seems similar to that of a castaway on a desert island, yet this declaration is both bogus and ludicrous. I’m surrounded by family and friends who want me to lean on them, but I don’t even begin to know how to do that. Lean on someone? Accept help? I’ve been codependent far too long and know only how to give, give, give…receiving doesn’t come naturally–if at all!

SO.. WHAT DO YOU THINK TRANSPIRES??? ..DO I DROWN IN A SEA OF SORROW??DO I SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS.. I NEED HELP??DO I GO IT ALONE?? AND REMEMBER.. RECEIVING IS A FOREIGN WORD TO ME AT THIS TIME.. PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES.. AND FEEL MY FEAR..CONNECT TO MY ENERGY… AND SEE WHAT ANSWERS COME UP FOR YOU!!!

© Patricia Bateson 2017
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