THE MONKEY MIND
Happy fall everyone:
Enjoy my newest excerpt. I’ve got a feeling many of my YOU will get this.. as many wrestle with the infamous “monkey mind.” Mine was a bit overworked, as you will clearly see. Never the less, it helped me to see my “truth,” so I could heal. Forever grateful!!! So enjoy.. and share some of your “crazies! if you’d like. Couldn’t be any zanier than mine!!!
One sheep, two sheep, two million and two sheep…on and on my thoughts go. Hour after hour after hour. Night after night after night. Not a great sleeper to begin with–oh yeah, already told you that!–I go to bed exhausted and wake up even more fatigued. How is that even possible? Sleeping pills don’t do the trick–they merely induce a temporary state of lack of consciousness that relieves me from my incessant thoughts about the fact that I have cancer.
Turning off an active mind proves to be one of the most challenging feats of my cancer journey. How does one halt the negative thoughts that create mental, physical, and emotional turbulence–thoughts that trigger emotions that lead to more anxiety and stress.
My mind is cluttered and there’s no room for additional input. Basically on overload, my brain and I are burning out fast. Both breasts ache. Perhaps one has sympathy pains for the other. Who the heck knows? I’m pooped beyond belief. I wake up tired, go to bed tired, can’t work, cook, clean, or do any of the activities I once loved. Frustrated, angry, and sometimes filled with rage at all that’s happened to me, I dwell on the losses I’ve had to endure.
I feel melancholy, like a part of me expired, just like when Mom, Dad, and my dog Chris were taken away. It tears me up, cuts me to my root, and I feel totally destitute, like I’m all alone in this crazy world…like I’m living in hell here on earth.
Some days, God, I think life is just too much to bear and maybe I don’t belong here anymore. I’ve been teetering on the edge of despair for so long, perhaps it’s time to call it quits. Should I let go? Can I let go? What will happen if I do? I am filled with terror.
That’s all for now.. and YES.. I am in the process of making my manuscript into an actual BOOK. woop-e-la!!!! On my way.. baby.. on my way!!!! love you all and thank you for sticking with me.. though crazies and all!!!