Hi folks; Looking back at the past…the memories.. the incessant thoughts … the emotions… Phew!!!! sure can bring up all kinds of stuff… here is a little taste of what was going down…. back in the day…enjoy and as always love your comments.
Juggling two families can be pretty tricky. When at Mom and Dad’s house attempting to extinguish fires, I experience tremendous guilt for abandoning my children and husband. Despite my remorse, however, when the home phone rings, I’m off and running–don’t want to look like the neglectful daughter! But, as we all know, looks can be deceiving…
My folks say “jump!” and I ask “how high?” I think I can fix them, make them happy. I give them all of me, but it’s never enough. Some days I can’t catch my breath, and feel frazzled all the time. Perhaps I’m heading for the loony bin myself.
The Pollyanna in me wants to believe they’ll change, that something good will come of this.. but it is pure fantasy. When did pleasing everyone become so complicated? What about me and my desires? When did I lose me? Better yet, had I ever found me?
At a family member’s suggestion, I seek out a therapist, a family counselor. Our first meeting necessitates lots of tissues.
“Tell me about your childhood,” she says.”
“Have you got about a year?” I mumble. The words pour out of me, I never realized how much I have to say, how much emotion is pent up inside.
“What’s in it for you?” inquires Amy the therapist. “Clearly you must be getting something out of this relationship or you wouldn’t be in it.”
What was I getting out of this tainted relationship? Wasn’t particularly happy with Amy for even asking such a stupid question….she thinks I’m getting kickbacks out of this hellish nightmare.. life of mine??? What could I possibly be gaining from all this chaos??
So…. what do you think followed? How did mamby pamby Pat handle this situation… give me your thoughts… Did I jump ship…did I hold onto them for dear life? Think outside the box.. cuz when ya think life can not get any worse… watch out!!! This nightmare was just getting started!!!
I’ll give you a hint… things got a whole lot uglier!!!!
What might you have done if you were ME>>>>>>>>.
Hi everyone… gonna walk down memory lane a little bit here.. reminiscing about motherhood. Perhaps my words will resonate with you.. perhaps not.. but I always LOVE your stories.. I so enjoy, when YOU too.. share a piece of your life!! So please do…
Wanting to be the “PERFECT” mom, as if there is such a thing.. trying to juggle being a mother, wife, nurse, caregiver… and get it all right! What was I thinking!!!!!
This scene is Patrick’s christening…oh boy, is it fresh in my memory.
I recollect feeling so out of balance that infamous Sunday afternoon in September. Totally worn out, a newborn and two toddlers in tow, a menstruating bloody mess (no pun intended!) It’s my missing wedding ring that sends me into a tailspin and pushes me over the edge. What follows this day goes completely downhill from here–I’m way, way out of whack…
Imagine the scene: Kids crying, Todd screaming “we’re gonna be late for church!” and I’m literally in my own world pacing the cage, thinking how can I escape, jump ship, abandon the crew? Maybe I’m not cut out for motherhood! Meanwhile, my inner critic pipes up, and says shut the hell up and get your now-good keister in the car!
Those dreaded words “get your ass in the car!” stir up old memories, and for a split second my father’s angry face appears in front of me before it bursts into flames. Intense rage seeps out of my skin, and a twisted knot forms in my belly and courses its way up to my throat.
I want to dislodge it, spew it clear across the room, but it stays stuck right where it is. Tightly restricting, it chokes me! An explosion of sorts appears imminent…That cold shiver shoots up my spine..Something tells me… it’s an ominous sign.
Any thoughts of what happens next??? Oh yeah.. it was a memorable day alright!!
Happy fall everyone….hope you are enjoying my blog.. I for sure am lovin it and all your feedback.. sooooooooooo….did YOU dream about your knight in shining armor? Did YOU have a vision for your future even as a young girl? Did it turn out the way planned? Tell me more.. I just love reminiscing!!!!
I believed it was every girl’s dream to be happily married, live in the cottage with the white picket fence, and have lots of babies with which to cuddle and coo. You know, like the Sound of Music–everyday a play-day filled with adventure and oodles and oodles of fun with Mama and Papa.
You’re probably thinking: What planet is she from? Call it a delusion, perhaps a psychotic episode, but that’s my “perfect family” fantasy. The never-ending dreamer–that’s me!
Todd and I talk about having kiddos alright. He’s twenty, I’m twenty-three when we get hitched, and we both think waiting five years is the best route to go. Somehow we get the sequencing backwards… never liked math anyway… and only two weeks into the marriage I find myself nauseous, dog tired, and a wee bit cantakerous. Can’t keep down a stitch of food. Holy smokes, Pat is pregnant! So much for the honeymoon! So much for our plan…..
Nine months later, Colleen arrives. I think I am ready… boy oh boy am I in for a rude awakening. I give Colleen her three a.m. feeding our first night home. This is simple–piece of cake! With that, as if on cue, Colleen lets out a huge burp and vomits her entire feeding down my back and all over the mahoganey rocking chair. Simultaneously, she soaks my nightgown with urine and , just for good measure, smelly brown poop. She’d let go from every orifice possible. Welcome to motherhood!
And this was only the beginning.. with so much more to come…but I’m not gonna let the cat out of the hat completely.. not just yet anyway!!! It will all come out in the book.. so sit tight!!!
I know this will jar some memories for y’all, as sometimes it feels like yesterday!!!!! Fill me in.. can’t wait
Ready for another tidbit of information… we were all teenagers at one time in our lives..boy crazy too….so perhaps you can relate to this excerpt… from my upcoming book!!! Who was your first boyfriend? How did you meet? Did you become a daydreamer… like me.. or did you jump in head first and find your “MAN?” Fill me in on those glory days!!!! Enjoy….
People wounded early in life often have trouble cultivating intimate relationships. Petrified to show their vulnerable side because their belief system tells them they will only be rejected once again, they may feel like damaged goods.
So what did I know about love and developing a healthy intimate relationship with the male species? You hit the nail on the head: Absolutely nothing! Couldn’t even open my mouth to say “hi” to a guy, never mind engage in a deep, meaningful conversation about life. Sure, I daydreamed of being Barbie–and Ken would be my gorgeous date. He’d sweep me off my feet and we’d fall head over heels in love and live happily ever after. Quite the fantasy world, wouldn’t ya say? Sure, I desired the real thing, but lacked a few of the main ingredients, namely self love and self worth.
I had lots of crushes on boys my age, but not one of them ever knew. Most of the guys were out of my league anyway. I went for the jocks– the handsome, athletic, outgoing types. Average looking, introverted, and far from athletic, it was a long shot that I’d ever attract that type of guy. I never did, which was a self-fulfilling prophecy, I guess.
I spent my high school years observing, an outsider always looking in. I watched couples as they paraded through the corridors hand-in-hand, giggling and looking all googly-eyed at each other. Life seemed carefree and frivolous, and I secretly desired their lives. In fact, I was quite jealous, as I longed for someone to hold my hand or sneak a kiss onto my cheek. I wanted my knight in shining armor to slip me a love note during Mr. Kennedy’s science class. Contained in this note would be an invitation to the senior prom. And of course, I’d accept graciously.
I envisioned us dancing the night away, holding each other ever so close. At the end of the evening he would say: “Pat, you’re my girl,” and I’d just melt into his arms. We’d be inspeparable and life would be bliss. After all, isn’t that how Romeo and Juliet came to be? Why couldn’t I experience that type of love? Oh, I forgot for one brief moment that I am a reject—how could I be so stupid? Sorry, for my forgetfulness!
I was nothing more than a hopeless romantic… would anyone ever love ME for ME?
Hope you are enjoying the excerpts from my up and coming book.. lovin all your feedback. Here’s a little more to wet your whistle!!!
You know how I talked about my so called brilliant plan to become invisible in order to survive in my zany, wacky, crazy world. I guess I forgot to mention that this plan was not foolproof, not by a long shot. It backfired on me but good. Holy toledo, did it ever!
Have you ever heard the English Proverb, “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t!” The devil I was about to become acquainted with was a monster. A downright insensitive, mean scoundrel, who loathed himself and others.
I had the pleasure of meeting this dude one steamy, hot summers eve. I was out on the town with my girlfriends and we were cruising down to Salisbury Beach to check out the sights. You know… the guys. We hopped into Lola’s cherry red Ford Fairlane convertible and off we sped with the tunes a crankin. We thought we were hot stuff, seeing that we were sixteen and sophomores in high school. Ready to rock and roll and party the night away. Looking forward to a night of fun and frolic, and maybe some smooching to boot!
You see, I had met a new friend a few months back and we became immediate bosom buddies. Connected like you can’t imagine. Her name was ALCOHOL! I loved the calming effect booze had on me. I felt silly, happy, and oh so cool. I felt alive for the first time in my life!
The grapefruit mist went down way too fast this particular Saturday evening. I was buzzed one minute and completely trashed the next. Went from a giggle teenager to a spastic idiot in sixty seconds. I was seeing double of everything and it was wild. Real funny one minute, and downright horrifying the next. Peoples faces looked distorted and really creepy. All these weirdos were staring at me like I was an alien or something. That made me all agitated inside. My body was steaming up.. gettin ready to explode.
“Who are they looking at? How dare you gawk at me. Don’t mess with me because I will hurt you.” Nasty, nasty thoughts kept on coming. Rage was pouring out of my pores. I wanted to hurt someone and hurt em bad. My thoughts were racing. I could no longer see straight. A violent, irrational voice took over and told me what to do next….suffice it to say… the inevitable happened. I danced with the devil and it was not pretty!!
CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT???? ANY THOUGHTS…..
Hi everyone: another excerpt from my upcoming book…LOVE your comments and especially love to hear your stories as well!!
Did you ever have a best friend growing up? No, not a person– a thing. Something you adored. I surely did, and her name was Corduroy, my very own stuffed animal given to me by my friend Stacy for my ninth birthday. The cutest pink bunny rabbit that ever lived, she was fuzzy and cuddly and ever so soft. Her ears were big and floppy and her tail was white as snow. Corduroy was my pal and I took her everywhere. What I admired most about Corduroy was her loyalty. Always there for me, through thick and thin, anything went with Corduroy. She was agreeable to whatever I suggested. Also, she never talked back, and I really dug that. We were darn good buddies. Completely trustworthy with my secrets, believe me, she heard them all.
We had some whopping good times together. I have a picture of us in my Deerskin Trading Post brown leather wallet. I take it out and look at it often, as it’s truly a treasure. Probably nine and a half years old in this picture, I’m only a smidgen older than her. Not by much, probably a few months, but I’m still the oldest. I like not being stuck in the middle– just a weird notion of mine.
I get all mushy when I look at this picture of the two of us. Me with my play nurse cap on my head and Corduroy draped in a tangerine paint smock. Sitting quietly at the bottom of my bed, looking up at me with her huge black button eyes, Corduroys’s expression is one of pure affection as I tend to her needs. You see, in this particular photo I’m playing nurse and she is my patient. In my imaginary world, Corduroy fell off her Huffy tricycle and got pretty banged up–needed medical attention immediately if I was to save her.
Serving others made me feel needed and wanted, and filled a void in my life. Made me feel like you wouldn’t believe, like I had a place in this world–like I mattered, like I was a somebody…
Did YOU have a favorite stuffed animal growing up???? Tell me about your experience.. what made your animal so special?? how did it comfort YOU?? Do you still have it today?? Which by the way… I think is way cool!!!!
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Path2healing.us is my website….. check it out!!! UNTIL NEXT TIME..
As little children we gain our sense of worth from our parents.. teachers and others in authority. We look up to them and therefore believe everything they say or don’t say.. to be true. It becomes who we are in this world… At least it did for me anyway!
Here is a little piece of my life as a child and how I perceived my life….maybe you can relate to it.. maybe not… time will tell
“I hate you! I hate both of you!” I’m only eight years old, and though I can’t imagine these awful words are coming out of my mouth, they are. “I’m going to run away when I get older and never come back! I’m gonna get the heck out of here and go as far away as I possibly can, and you’ll never find me! And maybe–just maybe you’ll miss me then!” But I doubt it. Who am I kidding?
“Don’t expect a phone call cuz I won’t be calling!” I’d think. “Don’t bother lookin’ for me either! I don’t want to be found– you guys gave up on me a long time ago, so don’t even pretend to care! I’ll be out of your lives forever! I guess that’s what you both want, so good riddance!” In a nutshell, that’s often how I felt about my parents and my home life. I’m ashamed to even be sharing this with you.
My thirst for my parents’ attention was insatiable. I longed for affection and to hear the words “I love you, sweet child.” But I never heard them–not even once– from my father’s lips. No hugs, no bouncing on daddy’s lap. No piggy back rides to bed. No goodnight kisses–ever. I hoped eternally for a happy ending to my story, like in the fairytale stories I read, but alas, I was not a princess and my story was anything but happy ever after.
Mom did her best to nurture me and my siblings but she lived a fearful existence as well. She fell into a sea of depression which plagued her most of her life.. nearly swallowed her up on more than one occasion. It was all she could do to save herself, never mind her four kids. I continually questioned my parent’s motive for bringing me into this seemingly cruel world. Why couldn’t they love wholly this incredible human being standing before them, just starving for affection? I was wise enough at a tender, young age to understand what was missing in my life, but unable to determine how to get it. So the question became: Do I keep trying, or just give up?
So.. how did I survive in my crazy world.. cuz I know you’re smart and you figured out what I thought about ME!!! You got it.. felt not worthy.. not lovable..not much of anything.. and it shaped me… big time… and the even bigger question might be.. what did I do with all those feelings about me being a nothing!!! I will fill you in on that real soon…..
In the meantime.. did you experience anything similar growing up? How did you deal with your feelings and emotions? Or maybe you didn’t. Did it shape who you are today? What did you say to yourself..how did you rationalize it in that “child” brain of yours? Does it still have a GRIP on you today? If not.. what have you found most helpful to deal with your past and be free!
Look forward to hearing from YOU…………….
Here is an excerpt from my upcoming book.. hope you enjoy it and please post comments at the bottom so we can talk more.
Have you ever been in a situation where everything and everyone is spinning out of control? Life is pure chaos and there’s not a darn thing you can do about it . And to make matters worse, imagine…that YOU are a little kid.. in the middle of all this drama and chaos… trying to stay afloat!!! Just trying to survive!!
This is my story. Perhaps you can relate… perhaps you’ve experienced something similar.
“Mommy, mommy, don’t leave!” I scream as I watch my mother scurry out the front door of our humble abode. “Please don’t leave us, don’t leave me!” I’m only six years old; I don’t know how to take care of me! I don’t know how to take care of the family! I’m only a little kid! Who will feed me? Who will take care of me when I’m sick?
She doesn’t respond. She can’t hear me. My mother looks like a wild animal cornered it its cage, a predator ready to devour its prey if provoked. Her bug-eyes seem like they just might pop out of their sockets. Her lips purse tightly and her jaw clenches shut, as steam spews out of her ears and the top of her head. She is filled with RAGE.
Watch out, I think, she’s going to blow a gasket! Here we go again! An all too familiar scene, yet it’s never escalated to this point… never gone quite this far.
“Holy crap, oh God,” I whisper to myself. “What’s happening? This can’t be real! Somebody–anybody–help us! Dad, do something! Stop her!”
My head spins in a million different directions, and I feel woozy. My stomach jolts up and down and side to side, like when I’m on the tilt-a-whirl at Canobie Lake Park. My body feels jumpy and tingly, cold and numb, all at the same time, though I can palpate each sensation individually. Tears steam down my face faster than I can count, plopping everywhere–all over my pink cotton shirt, into my brown locks of hair, and onto the hardwood floor. They taste bitter and salty and sting my lips a little. It hurts, but I don’t care–I’m used to pain!
Oh, dear God, she really is going! No-ooo-oo! She can’t leave..don’t leave me. If you do I might as well curl up in a ball and DIE!!!
What feelings if any, does this evoke in you..do you have something you’d like to share.. do so in the reply column below and we can continue our discussion.. Thanks for being here!!! Look forward to hearing from YOU!!!
Well, here goes nothing…here goes everything…never the less…. here we go!!! This blog is meant for ANYONE who has ever faced a major challenge, illness or cobblestone on their so called path or journey…I suspect, that’s probably just about every person on the planet. I welcome YOU with open arms and a huge heart!
I will be sharing bits and pieces of my cancer journey, from beginning to end and how my life transformation came to pass. Kind of a before..during…and after clip , the ups and downs, the ins and outs, the blessings and miracles that took place and shaped the new “ME.” And the best part of all is: what was possible for me, is without a doubt, possible for anyone. My life today is rich and joyfilled and for that I am ever so grateful!
So, no matter what trials or tribulations you are facing at this moment, know that amidst the chaos there is peace, and beneath fear lies love and hope.
Oh, and by the way, each excerpt is a part of MY BOOK, which will be coming out later this year. I am over the top excited about this!!!!
THE PHONE CALL
“Sweet Lord, why isn’t he calling me back? It’s been two long, excruciating days just waiting with bated breath for this one phone call! Is one silly phone call too much to ask? I don’t think so, because I really need to know! But I don’t want to know. Yet, I must know…
My palms sweat and my stomach flip-flops as it spits out enough acid to create a crater sized ulcer. That queasy, unsettled feeling in the pit of my gut is reminiscent of when I was pregnant. But I’m not pregnant–that is a definite!
I make a half-hearted attempt to eat a piece of wheat toast with Smucker’s grape jelly on it, but my body recoils. The smell alone repulses me, and my throat constricts as it to say, “no, not now!” The toast wins! I toss the remnants in the barrel before I completely lose it.
Pat, get up, the phone is for YOU! Did you forget? This is the call you’ve been waiting for! How do you know? I hear from somewhere inside me. I just do! Hurry up–answer it before he hangs up!
I don’t want to answer it. I’m too frightened. If I don’t pick up, I won’t have to find out the results. That will be better. I’d rather not know. Just answer it, you big baby!
I enter my bedroom, close the door, and gaze down at the telephone. It’s the call I’ve been waiting for. Oh shit!!”
If you have any comments or feedback, please share. I’d love to hear from you! That is indeed how we heal, by helping and guiding one another. I like to call it… shining your light!!!
See you soon!!!
To all the wonderful medical people who have chosen to serve those of us who have been diagnosed with cancer. I thank you for all that you do to meet my physical needs. For it is of utmost importance that I receive my specifically calculated treatments as planned. You schedule countless scans, labs, and a myriad of tests to keep my cancer in check. These are all crucial in my physical recovery, but I want you to know that I have other needs as well. They are emotional, mental, and spiritual in nature. I choose to call this “holistic well being” as it encompasses the whole person. “ME”
I am a human being with feelings, thoughts, hopes, and dreams. Allow me to release that which keeps me awake for hours on end, in the darkness of nights, when I feel so alone. Hold my hand as I acknowledge my deepest fears. Lend me an empathetic ear, or just give me a hug when needed. Let us celebrate together when I share some wonderful news I have received from my oncologist, and let my tears flow freely when my news may not be so positive.
I am fully aware that you have so many tasks to accomplish in your busy day. But sometimes all it takes is a gently smile, a wink of an eye, or your soft nurturing voice that calms my spirit and eases my burdens immediately. You give me hope with your kind words and with your infinite wisdom and guidance I know I will persevere and get through this most challenging time in my life.
Your simple, caring gestures can make all the difference in a mere heartbeat. Please remember this physical body houses a soul and a spirit. I desire to be treated with every ounce of compassion that you can give me. Just to let you know, you are my lifeline and play a pivotal role in my healing process. I could not do this without YOU. So, from the bottom of my heart I thank you for remembering all of “ME.”
This piece was published eight years ago in a book of writings from an amazing event for cancer survivors called “CELEBRATION OF LIFE.” I am now coming upon my ten year anniversary of having not only survived but thrived with this thing called cancer.